As humans we love a problem, especially one we’ve seen before and have a good idea how to tackle. We can’t help ourselves as we jump into solution mode.
I’ve seen it and done it many times in my career, someone says the magic word (eg. “cloud”, “AI”, “automation”, “prediction”) and we are off chasing the rabbit, in broadcast mode.
I saw a perfect example of this recently at the Birmingham NEC motorhome show. We were looking around a motorhome and the salesman came over. For a couple a minutes we chatted as humans, how are we finding the show?, travelled far?, what brings you here?, we start to find common ground and feel seen and heard. I then ask the chap a specific question about the garage (big storage locker) dimensions. It was as if the human disappeared and out popped his “salesperson” alter-ego. He went into a pitch telling me everything he knew about the garage and the key sales points of this motorhome. It was like someone reading the brochure. After a few minutes out popped the human again and we chatted about his background, why he does what he does, what he loves (camping with his family, which makes sense).
He was so keen to tackle the problem, he lost the connection. From many failures, I’ve learned building the human connection is the scaffolding for tackling any problem, especially complex problems with no (easy) solution. You cannot over-invest in this since time spent building the relationship will pay dividends if/when we hit some bumpy road (which you will!).
Here’s a few things that I find important when building connection, rapport and trust:
Notice: Make sure the person feels seen and heard. Put your phone and other distractions out of reach. Listen with not just your ears, what do you see and sense about the mood of the person? Try not to think what to say next, it will come. Leave moments of silence, be curious “Tell me more…”. Our attention is the most precious thing we can give to another. People know when you give them your full attention (and when you are answering emails while on call with them!). “Noticing” stands out since most conversations, especially in work settings, are transactional and lacking human connection. Leave enough time so it can be an unhurried conversation (ie. have a single agenda item eg. “finding common ground”, don’t book several back to back calls, leave space for a little over-run and to schedule more time later where needed)
Show you care: Make the other person feel important, they are! Remember the choices of others often have greater impact on our lives than many of our own choices. Or put another way, our personal impact is derived from the strong trusting relationships we build, we cannot do hard stuff alone. A few of questions I love “What different for you this week? (what’s on your mind)”, “What makes you angry? (what matter to you) and “How are you mis-understood? (the frame the person is often seen through and would like to change). There is no judgement, you are leaving space for the best version of the other person to show. When you do this, often they magically do!
Recently I find myself feeding back the genuine strengths I see in the other person, “I see the courage in you”, “I noticed that you are someone who knows how to get things done” are from two joyful conversations I had last week. Again, how good does it feel when someone notices how you show up and how rarely does this happen?
Be generous: Where you can see a way to be of service to the person, offer to help. Clearly, this must be sincere, following through helps to build trust (and damages it if you don’t). It could be an introduction, sharing an article/book recommendation, reviewing/contributing to their work, offering to be an ally in tackling a new challenge. Be positive, be a builder not a blocker. Remember heart before hands. Our human nature pre-disposes us to a tit-for-tat exchange, when we give something (with the expectation of nothing in return) we create a warm environment for gifts to come our way. There must be no pressure or self interest in your actions since these will undermine any trust building. That is why many of us dislike being sold-to, we smell the commission and feel the discomfort when pushed to run at a faster pace before rapport has been built. We see this in our leaders too. We are more likely to come along if we do things “with” rather than have them done “to” us. Remember the North Wind & The Sun Aesop Fable (the wind failed to blow off the traveller’s cloak however the sun shone and off it came), be the sun, give to get.
Referring back to last week’s post, when you feel part of the situation rather than apart from it, you re-claim the agency act (you don’t waste energy denying the problem or blaming others). The big problems you care about are yours to tackle not to be left to remote leaders. The start point is building strong relationships with allies that care about the situation as much as you do and are prepared to help. Most people are waiting to be asked…
Let’s build some strong human connections in preparation for tackling important problems.
The problem is rarely the problem, the problem usually sits with our relationship to the problem. Start with the relationship and often the problem will solve itself.
As always, please drop a comment below if you want to contribute your thoughts or explore this topic further. I’d love to hear from you…