Curiosity v Judgement
If you have a brain, you have a bias
Through our experiences in life we build our own hill of prejudice from which we view the world. We can’t help it, it’s the only way our brains can cope.
Our brain has evolved to optimise the amount of processing power that can fit through the birthing canal and consume less than 50% of the energy we derive from food (the brain consumes the most energy of all our organs, a higher proportion when we are young and developing). We can process c100 bits of data per second (bps), a single conversation is around 60bps which is why we can’t properly listen to multiple conversations at the same time. Our attention is a scarce resource.
The world bombards us with an infinite array of signals from our senses and we need a shorthand way to spot threats and bring our limited attention to the things that matter. Our learned biases are the shorthand that enable a quick response without requiring a high processing load. See a snake or spider shape, leap back without having to pick it up and figure out what it is. This is the fast and slow thinking distinction made by Daniel Kahneman.
As we know, these threats to life and limb are far less in the society we live in however we react in the same way if we experience something unfamiliar, not fitting with our learned patterns. Our fight/flight response gets triggered.
Let me illustrate this to you by way of a simple exercise.
Imagine the following scene. Your getting on a plane and are greeted by the pilot, then taken to your seat by a host. You sit next to a fellow traveler and get chatting. They are speaking at an entrepreneur conference.
Now if I tell you the pilot was a black woman, the host was a male body builder and your fellow passenger was a frail lady in her 70s how does that compare with your mental image? This has probably triggered your fight/flight response since its not what you were expecting based on your inner programming.
It doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s just important to be aware of your biases so you can catch yourself making assumptions about the world that have no basis in reality.
So back to how we can be curious without jumping to judgement. It’s hard, since what we really see and hear is not what our logical brain gets to process. It’s already gone through the bias filter. We need to learn to spot the embellishments we add to the reality of the situation. They often follow common patterns.
For me I often get caught with the “keen to impress” pattern. My attention gets sucked towards things where I have skills or experience so I can show my worth. It comes from a place of not feeling good enough and I’m starting to spot it and dial down the ego response to look good. Another is the “I’m in a hurry” pattern, substituting rushed justice when a more productive outcome would come from pressing pause and giving the situation my full attention. It takes practice to spot these patterns. At first you only notice them on reflection, after the event. As you practice you start to notice them in the moment as they arise.
Take time to sit quietly and listen, to ask more insightful questions to uncover what really matters here. As humans we have a deep need to make sense of what is happening around us. Tap into this ability that often gets buried by our education and experience in work.
Last week I got up at 05:30 to see the sunrise over Lake Constance (Bodensee as it’s called in Germany). There was no one around just me, the lake lapping, the distance snow capped Austrian alps and my inner chatter. “It’s cold”, “why sit here, best to walk along the shoreline to get a better view in the next cove”. Then I let myself feel part of it, as if observing myself in the landscape. My inner nagging stopped, I just observed. The ripples of the small waves as they hit the pebbled shore with a crackle. The birds flying low over the water, each bird following the undulating path of the other. The glow of the sun reflecting from surfaces on the other side of the lake. I was curious to see how this unfolded in the changing light, how long would I wait? I had no power over it even though I was part of it. It mattered to me, I needed to be there, I would not have missed it for the world - a beautiful experience I’ll remember for a long time. Just a mug of tea for company. It captured my full attention.
Sitting as a witness, not a judge, in conversations is a caring and courageous position to take. Not only witnessing the other person, notice the mood, the space you’re in, how you are feeling and acting. What emotion do you want to generate in the room? How does your presence make the other person feel? Joyous, afraid, connected, cautious, open, angry, curious. You are part of the landscape.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the (wo)man who points out how the strong (wo)man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the (wo)man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends him(her)self in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if (s)he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his(her) place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."
Theodore Roosevelt’s 1910 Man in the Arena speech
I find curiosity comes in two colours, blue and yellow. Blue curiosity is cold, it feels like interrogation, invasive in some way. I’ve done it myself, especially when feeling pressed for time, I just need my questions answering. We miss seeing the human so miss much of what’s going on and what matters.
Yellow curiosity is warm, it comes from a place of care for the other person, wanting to understand what matters to them. More about guided listening than questioning. Experience the reality of the situation, emotions and all. This can’t be hurried, if you think its a 30min chat, leave at least an hour.
Curious what this brings to mind for you…